If You Like Pina Colada...

The Wife and I recently returned from a Caribbean cruise, courtesy of Royal Caribbean and The Freedom of the Seas. And you know what? What an amazing experience it was.

Best. Holiday. Ever. The Wife will tell you it was our Hawaiian honeymoon, but whatever...

Yes, like a lot of you guys, I figured the smell of rubbing alcohol would choke me, and that I would have nightmares about a tribe of renegade false teeth chasing me along the poop deck. Trust me, I made my fair share of jokes about it too, but the truth is, it wasn't like that at all. Cruises have come a long way since the blue-rinse brigade set up camp onboard: now, it's becoming more and more of a family thing. Sure, there were old people there, but there were four thousand guests riding the high seas with us as well.

The shows each night in the theatre rivalled anything I have seen on dry land, and the evening parades matched the best of Disney. There was an interior Promenade filled with shops, restaurants, and bars, an ice rink (complete with show), a fully loaded casino (where I won a poker qualifier, but fell at the final table), and a full-size basketball court (where I competed in a 'crew versus guests' dodgeball tournament), as well as a climbing wall, a boxing ring, a gym, a nightclub, karaoke booths...

...well, just check it out online and you'll see for yourself.

Suffice to say - fantastic.

To Whom it May Concern...

I was trawling the internet for writing contests a couple of days ago and happened across Complaint Letter.

They take all kinds of stuff - from serious to tongue-in-cheek - and then, based on feedback and marks out of ten, they slap £30 to the best one at the end of every month. Well, I tried serious, but it didn't come out right, so in the end I had to settle for mildly amusing instead. It's titled, I'm Burstin'...

That being said, I really do hate those guys in the toilets...

Happy New Year!

Gobble, Gobble...

I hope all you Christians out there had a good Christmas. I did. I got the usual selection of pants, socks, and deodorants... and I also ate more turkey than any guy should ever try to squeeze into their 2500 daily calorie limit.

But it's back to work now. Sigh.

Roll on 2010.

The Changing Face Of...

Due to a recent straw poll of a somewhat dubious circle of acquaintances who had had too many drinks for the shining light of common sense to illuminate, I have decided - against my better judgement - to change my profile picture on this here blog.

However, unlike many people I know, I do not keep an endless supply of pictures of my own face near to hand, so until I come up with something better, you can make do with this one, circa late 2003.

God I was thin then.

Jacko Lives...

The Wife and I went to see Thriller Live last night, and what a great showcase of Michael Jackson's music it was. It didn't have a story ala We Will Rock You (which incidentally, we saw a few weeks ago and it was also fantastic). It was just purely about the songs, the dancing, and the entertainment, and was probably all the better for it.

There were fedoras and sequined jackets and jewel-encrusted white gloves everywhere you looked. It was great to see the audience really getting into the show as well, including a kid of no more than ten who couldn't stop his feet from moving. Don't worry Michael, it seems that a new generation of fans won't be too hard to find.

It just shows you what a great depth of talent there is in this country, just out of frame, as it were: guys and girls that don't really get the kudos they deserve. Most of the songs were right on the money, and in particular, the solo performance of She's Out of My Life was certainly a step up from that given by what's-his-face on The X-Factor a couple of days ago...

And the Thriller sequence - complete with red leather jacket and a zombie dance troupe - as part of the finale, was right off the top shelf.

She Isn't, Honest...

The zombie sub-genre has certainly seen a resurgence in the last few years, so much so that I wanted to give it a whirl as well, as long as I made sure I approached it from a different angle.

Yeah, pretty sure I did that.

And thus was born, my deliciously black flash piece, My Wife is a Menstrual Zombie, which appears in Issue Seven of UK based print magazine, Ballista.

Unfortunately, the market has chewed up and spit out yet another small press magazine, and Ballista is saying goodbye after this final spin. It's a shame, because it is/was a well put together magazine with some cracking stories between its covers.

Pick it up now if you can spare the four pounds - give Ballista the send off it deserves.

They're Everywhere...!

The Wife and I recently went on a brief three-day tour of Scotland and, as part of that little excursion, we went for a cruise of Loch Ness. Oddly (or perhaps not), apart from the guy talking about the monster beneath the surface, and the guy steering the boat, the other fifty people on board were Japanese.

I've never felt as far from home as I did right then, and listening to one of the Japanese guys translate the thick Scottish accent of our tour guide is certainly up there with the most surreal experiences of my life.

And all this just outside my back door.

I have been to the Arabian Desert, the bustle of Paris, the noise of New York, the tourist-friendly trap of Orlando, stood in a cell on Alcatraz, and been to the top of the Sydney Harbour Bridge; and they're always there right next to me. Of course, I saw a few wandering the streets of Tokyo as well, but that's just silly.

I reckon, when someone finally gets a rocket to the surface of Mars we may just find the Japanese tourists have already been there. Camera in hand. Smiles.

And maybe a McDonald's or two.